Lightspeed Champion

Filling a hole is a tumultuous journey. There are a million (and one) ways to go about it. Obviously, this is nothing new, and you could argue that this is something we've all been doing since the day we were born.

Sometimes we trick ourselves, into thinking we have filled a void when really we haven't at all. But the question is, in doing so, surely you then have succeeded, whether it's a trick or not? I guess so. Until it all fades away maybe...

The last few months has seen varying attempts of such. I've been producing and co-writing for various musicians, all of which is amazing and fun I might add. I've been engulfed by the great art of pizza.. (I incidentally live next to what The New York Times called "The city's best pizza!"). Brief and abrupt veganism, acai berry juice (until the great stomach disaster of 2010), The ALIEN movie franchise has also had a large and brief role to play. The lost art of wine and red bull shots, slowly consumed over the period of a few hours. A truly relaxing buzz (that eventually wears off and leaves you feeling like you've been run over by a truck, but somehow survived even though your insides are bleeding and you can't move your own skeleton).

A recent discovery? The next step in the void search? Magic.

I've become obsessed with magic tricks... we'll see where this leads I guess..

My attention span is ridiculously short. It's frustrating, I feel bad for it. Or other people that have to work with me.. I should focus on this album that just came out. "Life Is Sweet! Nice To Meet You".. do you ever feel like you've let everyone down? Even yourself? But you don't really care, it's more that other people say that you should? But you're ambivalent to it all?

That was something I tried out a month ago.. as a remedy to the month prior...

I should explain some things.

Bowery Ballroom.

The show was cancelled.. by accident/on purpose. I wasn't in any fit state to play it, a lot of things happened to me around that period, that I kept to myself, choosing not to share with anyone. I change my mind a lot. So in a weird mental panic. I cancelled it. But, wasn't sure if it actually was, then regretted the decision, still unsure as to whether it had gone through or not, so I assumed it was still happening, and I was happy as such, and looking forward to playing it.. but.. I then got an email from the band linking to various blogs saying it was cancelled... oops.

I pissed a lot of people off, and I can only accept responsibility in my selfish behaviour. I let personal problems get in the way and take first tier amongst other people's enjoyment.. isn't that all misery is? Selfishness?

The NME interview.

Jesus... isn't it the worst thing ever? It disgusts me, I actually felt sick to my stomach reading it. A lot of things got taken way out of context, everyone has problems and no one wants to read about them<<< Disaster... "songwriter for hire"? I vommed.

I write music for such a pure love, I don't even think about money, ever.. hence why I have none. It's not an issue. I write and perform with people because I love music, and I love the outcome..

BUT. The interviewer had caught me at an awful time. Literally the worst. The main problem wasn't anything that was mentioned in the interview, again. I projected it via other meanings. Channeling my woes via very trivial problems so not to address the main issues at hand...

These two things (amongst others) happened around the same point.. I then saw that I was singlehandedly destroying some good things.

I opted for blissful ambivalence. I would still be completely numb in mind. But physically not let it get to the previous two points.. that worked for a short period..

The point is.. I'm trying to get back on track. I'm going to do these live shows, and not get crazy and weird about it. I'll try not to piss anymore people off... and if it takes being numb from wine and red bull whilst trying to perfect various magic tricks .. then so be it..

Tricking ourselves to fill the void.

Tags: bad, my, pizza, sorry, void

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